Will Everything Be Ok?

There is nothing like being at the mercy of the airlines to challenge one's sense of control.  I was supposed to be home safe with my husband and children last night.  I am sitting in an airport, again, listening to what I think is someone's 80's mix tape playing over the intercom system. Hoping I paid enough penance for whatever sins I've committed against air travel yesterday to guarantee smooth traveling today, including ample time to make it from the A to C terminal in Newark on a connection. 

May is shaping up to look like the busiest month I've had to date.  I can't say I know exactly what it feels like to be a horse in the gate at the start of a race, but that's the comparison I will make. I will be facilitating a pilot program this month and there is tons of stuff to do.... but it's not quite crunch time yet.  And lots and lots of "will everything be ok?" Just like sitting in the airport, again, wondering if everything will be ok today.

This summer will be the first that I am a career mom, and we have scheduled the kids at all kinds of day camps.  This will be the first summer that my kids cannot lounge around endlessly.  While they are excited about the upcoming activities and I am comfortable with the way we've worked things out, I still wonder if things will be ok. 

While trying to make myself sleep in anticipation of a 3:30 am wake-up, which pretty much means I think of every possible thing that could go wrong the next day, it dawned on me that while I don't think of myself as a control freak....I kind of am.  It is very difficult for me to relax until I am sure that things will be ok. I can be present and focused IF I feel some sort of control. 

I am aware that I have had a pretty easy life in the scope of time and history. What if I lived in an era and culture where I had no say over the decisions people were making for my future?  What if I had a sick loved one in a time and place where modern medicine was not? What if I were living in poverty, and the options I have available to navigate my life on a dialy basis were not available?

There's always a lesson in these mini life upheavals. I don't know if I will remain calm today if I do not touch down in Syracuse before noon.  I don't know what will happen if this pilot program bombs.  I don't know what will happen if my husband's health deteriorates, if my children make bad decisions that negatively affect their future, etc. etc.  There are never guarantees that things will be ok, and I probably walk through most of life with a false sense of security.  At times where I have to swallow the bad taste of not being in control, I can only hope, pray, and try to discover what kind of positive contribution I can make in that moment.  I am pretty sure that's not supposed to be yelling at either my children or ticket agents.