Here am I, Now What?

"And my husband was lying there and I prayed 'God please don't take this man'."

Empathy. I have prayed that prayer.

"But He did. He took him. And I don't know why."

Guilt. My husband is here.

"I wanted to die too."

Understanding, on the "almost" level. I can imagine.

"But I trust God."

Questioning. Would I if my story had turned out like hers? Why did her story turn out that way?

Six kids. All alone. Separated from family. Strange country. Hard job. Rough neighborhood. Not enough money. Not enough help.

Awe. How can a person bend under so much and not break?

Whispered, with tears, "I am not strong anymore."

Concern. Cracks have surfaced. Telltale signs of dangerous stress. There might be a fracture.

"I have no one. No family. No friends."

Frustration. The line between professional and personal is an abyss.

"But God is with me."

Confusion. Here am I, send me is complicated and changes appearance depending on the amount of sacrifice. The more sacrifice, the more present God is.

Hugs, good-bye.

Phone calls. More phone calls.

Enough?

Of course not.

What next?

Confusion. Frustration. Concern. Awe. Questioning. Understanding on the "almost" level. Guilt. 

Over and over again, in a vicious cycle.