Decision making is not my strength. It's as though I do not want to have to choose between the paths: I want to experience both. Leaving one behind seems sad, and I am never certain if I left the one I should have. I might be the only woman on earth who from time to time thinks about how it would have been better if I had bought the other wedding dress I considered. Now that's ridiculous. I don't think I've ever consciously admitted that.
What I loathe more than decision making, is feeling as if decisions were taken out of my hands completely. This seems counter-intuitive, doesn't it? If I don't like to make decisions, wouldn't it be nice to have someone else make them for me? That depends. If it's about where we're going to dinner, fine, whatever. I am actually flexible on those smaller issues. But the big, life changing stuff? Not so much.
Last night, I had 2 major conversations with Jeff. It was a bad time since Jeff was just finishing a consuming project and I was just home from a consuming meeting and we were both tired. And Molly had eaten most of the Brownie Blitz ice cream, leaving us like one tiny scoop each, so we were kind of crabby about that. But the time frame was closing on both topics, so I felt I needed to have the conversations.
Both decisions had sort of been made for me by forces out of my control. But I am really good at not seeing the inevitable and painting my version of an alternate reality. Jeff is a pragmatist and refuses to let that slide. Which I need, but do not always appreciate.
What is it about not being able to be in control that I hate? Am I a control freak? I don't usually think of myself as such, but maybe I am. I wanted the power to totally decide for myself. Even though I generally abuse such power. And despite the fact that there are very few major decisions in life that one has total control over.
Why am I being so cryptic? You're probably like "what decisions?!" How I got through the process is irrelevant at this point in your reading. You just want to know what they are. I understand. But for the record, it's because I want a personal account of these difficult decisions to look back on so that my future self can learn from this. And some of you are very close to me and I'll probably tell you anyway. Most people reading this, at this point, are in for the long haul and if you want to know, you deserve to know. Any voyeurs passing through, you got a freebie today. Not that it will mean that much to you.
Decision #1: I'm not going to Africa this summer. I have always wanted to go to Africa. Not because I think it will be a great vacation. I think I need to go. My soul needs to. But not this summer. It didn't feel like the right time to go, and the stars have not completely aligned. But still, I could have gone to Uganda with my friend Cathy.
Decision #2: I'm going to be a career woman next, not a new mom again. No more babies. Yes, I've been in school for the past million years for the express purpose of having a career. As I said, though, I don't like doors to shut completely, and I REALLY don't like when I'm not the one who shuts them. I like room for imagination. And I have a difficult time accepting things that signal my mortality and inevitable decay. And I love, love, love little sweet babies.
Here's what I must warn you of: don't take these to the bank. Because one thing I've learned is that sometimes when you are convinced things are final ... they are not. That's the justification of someone who has difficulty with final decisions. The doors may have closed, but I'm still going to occasionally look out of the peephole.
1 comment:
I feel you, here, Tiffany. Big choices after not a super evening seem to be more questionable and difficult to feel at peace about...but it doesn't mean you're not making prayerful, good decisions for you. We're flexible, and won't judge if life turns without warning. Glad to hear the big stuff has a starting decision made, though!
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