Disapppointment: Not Motherhood's Fault

Earlier this week I wrote about remembering parts about not having kids that I had conveniently forgotten. I'm learning another. It's not always the kids' fault.

Sometimes, I am just not productive. Sometimes, I do dumb things all by myself.

Not that I consciously blame the kids for things. That's not it. It's more like, I blame the job of mother. Or more accurately, I blame my overall ineptness at mothering for things like disappointments.

I busted my butt on a paper and turned it in a few weeks ago. I opened the feedback I just received and almost cried. Only a little bit because of the grade, but mostly because I turned in an old, rough draft of the paper. Not the paper I meant to turn in. I e-mailed the professor and let her know what happened, but I don't expect her to change the grade; I wanted her to know that I really do know how to cite in APA and put thoughts together somewhat coherently. But ultimately, it was my own fault. And it had nothing to do with being a mom.

I was weeding my garden yesterday and had to pull out three zucchini plants. You're probably like "What's the big deal?" But it only leaves me with one. I have gardening failures every year, and it feels awful because I work hard and have high expectations. The kids will be thrilled that we are not going to have a bumper crop of zucchini this year. But it has nothing to do with them and my inadequacies with mothering them.

Mothering, in many ways, has made me a better person. I don't always see that, and believe that I would be smarter, more successful, more together, if I weren't a mom, especially a stay at home one.

I'd still be me.

One of my friends recently read a book that encourages you to think of mothering as a spiritual discipline. I think I could use that. Because I distort motherhood into something it's not.

I love my children, whatever I think about motherhood and my role in it. Jeff and I have loved our time just together, and it has been good for us. We will be glad to have our girls back when it's time, though. And I hope I have better perspective as a result of time away.