Jeff and I made a budget again, after falling off the wagon. We wondered why it seemed that we had hardly any money, despite the new job. We have less available money than when Jeff was teaching high school.
We have a dog. He takes up a few bucks. Sales tax is higher. Our mortgage payment is bigger. But we discovered it's the property taxes that are killing us. Double or more than what we paid in Cincy. I try to tell myself we get so much for those taxes - good schools, clear roads no matter the snowfall - and NY funds refugee resettlement better than any other state. But it's hard to think about all that money we could have in our pockets.
We then discussed how we have felt a bit entitled to more money, more extravagance. After all, we were by U.S. government standards, poor for 4 years. Jeff has a phD and a good job now. Yet we each were wrestling with unspoken "I deserve this" mentality. Not that we blew a big sum on any big and unneeded purchases, it was the attitude we had, and the small dollar amount increases that we would spend on items we did need. And going out to eat a little more.
But we aren't entitled to anything. It is stewardship month at church, and the pastor is talking about how our resources are a gift poured through us.
Having strong character is not for the fainthearted. I'm kind of fainthearted. You'd think I would be anchored to proper perspective by the constant exposure to real poverty I have through my classes, internship, etc. There are times when I forget how blessed I am, forget my convictions, and find myself infatuated with or sometimes downright jealous of other's things.
Things. How silly. I have everything I have ever wanted, let alone needed. This morning I looked out from my cozy kitchen on the little snowman the kids built Sunday, smiling a crooked smile at me, a spindly stick arm suspended in a frozen wave, Anna's striped scarf jauntily about his neck. That single snapshot of my life insinuates that there is nothing I really lack. (A little sanity, right? But that's not about money....)
We don't need more money. We need to be better conduits.
2 comments:
Oh how I needed this post. THANK YOU. Did you know you are my personal therapist? In any case, I too have the Grad School Gimmies. Like you, we're in a more expensive place and just last week I sat in tears wondering why it wasn't easier. THANK YOU!
Today I went to a fancy schmancy store in Old Town, Grace. Fine things. Such fine things. I am amazed at my ability to want, obsess over a dress that is $160 that I will not have a need for. I guess it's my darn humanity again. Could you come get it and throw it off a cliff. Fancy dress and all?
I love you.
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